Best jokes around!

[FRK]

After 35 Years





Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 35 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married..

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and, after asking Eileen to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied,

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

[mannequinman]

ATTA BOY ,BOB !!! LMAO

[conductorx]

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center....

[yanser68]

INSTANT CLASSIC G Loved it!!

[FRK]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway
next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

“Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,
"Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does." ;D

[yanser68]

THATS FUNNY!!! again in hte Iglesias voice LOL

[conductorx]

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13..'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastige poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[FRK]

Good one Gary!!

[mannequinman]

Curiosity killed the cat !

[yanser68]

That's a good one G!!! Honestly I would of been 15 15 15

[FRK]

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking but,
A WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when
her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY


3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters.
Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE
SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" -
Albert Einstein

[yanser68]

HAHA GOOD ONES FRANK!!

[mannequinman]

A ship is SAFEST in PORT.....if you ain't livin on the edge...you are taking up too much space ! Good one Frank !

[FRK]

What does a Muslim Pussy look like?

.

Oh, come on! What the hell were you thinking??

[FRK]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN' .


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE' .


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'[/size]


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'[/size]


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'[/size]


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'[/size]


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'[/size]


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'[/size]


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'CRACK'

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'